A guard, perhaps hoping to intervene and save the courtship, escorts the two of us to a private grotto with a natural hot tub.I assume this is what it's like being at the Playboy Mansion.
This is exactly how the Brides in the Bath killer used to operate - grabbing women's feet and jerking them underwater so they would lose consciousness instantly and then drown.
Somewhere between the sonar, the abandonment, the eugenics and the fact I went through a phase of reading Wikipedia articles on serial killers, I fear this date is beyond saving.
A male cuttlefish is stroking me with his [SEXY TENTACLE].
Somehow this does not seem like an appropriate response to an invitation to the pub from a real life friend on a Friday night. The female Riflebird is now hanging around, cramping my style.
Also I have renamed it a 'sexagon'."I re-read those sentences.
I hit delete and start again."I am playing something adjacent to interactive romantica or possibly erotica for work."Still not right."Maybe you could come over to mine instead and help me hit on the contents of the internet's imagination from the safety of a slightly odd article premise? Maybe next week."Call Me Maybe is blaring from the speakers of my laptop and I am doing the best dancing of my adult life. In my excitement I accidentally attract a lady Riflebird and the game asks her to rate my performance. I get rid of her as quickly as possible (we have a perfunctory disco branch liaison and she flees the scene).
I am doing it by pressing A, D and the arrow keys which makes the male Victoria's Riflebird onscreen flap its wings, hop left and right and generally carry on like Justin Timberlake before he became a big cheese at My Space. Given I, the unreliable narrator of the piece, am playing alone I must judge my own dance routine. I decide the world is not ready to be deprived of my dance skills just yet and stay in the MS Paint forest, flapping and shimmying to some of the greatest pop music of our age.
I am not willing to admit how long this went on for. The Empire's Crystal Gardens are a beautiful location for a date.
As I think this I immediately feel a twinge of guilt at having abandoned my own date - a mutated bat, since you ask - at the entrance to the rainbow-hued area.